Thursday, 1 June 2017

Resilience, the art of getting back up...& it's one week to Buck!!

"I've always admitted that I'm ruled by my passions"  - Elizabeth Taylor

It just so happens that, like a lot of you who are reading this, my passions are horses and my horsemanship.  Yes at times it can be all consuming, but it is the lifeblood to who I am.  

Sadly I lost Ada recently, so when you find yourself at a crossroads where you have lost 3 equine partners in 18 months, you seriously start to question if you have it in you to start again. In fact, you start to wonder if you SHOULD start over again.  The time, money, and in particular, the heartache... maybe it is the universe's way of suggesting it's time to hang up your boots and take up knitting.

But no, my boots were made for riding and that's just what they'll do. So last Monday morning off I went to have a lesson at the local stables, in part to remind myself that I can actually still ride, and also to ENJOY it again, and enjoy it I did.  I rode Paddy the cob, who was very patient with me as I quickly realised riding 'traditionally' is now like a foreign language, so instead I tried to concentrate on the universal language of feel and we got along just fine.  All the tension I've been carrying, having ridden my willing mare, who I instinctively knew wasn't right physically and therefore riding had become loaded with second guessing and worry, well it just melted away.  I went back on Wednesday and out came the raised poles and I laughed like a 13 year old as I whizzed round the school.  I can't give this up.. anymore than I could stop drinking wine :)  

Since then I have been contemplating where to go from here.  The fates have conspired against me and sadly despite generously being offered alternative mounts, I won't be riding at the clinic this time.  Cue a moment of frustration and misery, 2 years of excitement and work down the drain.  But no, that's not the case for a few reasons, and I think this post I saw on fb by Bruce Sandifer's California bridle horse page sums it up.  

"All of our plans and preparations can change in an instant, no matter how well prepared we think we are.  Set backs and mistakes are part of the deal with horses, it's how we deal with these set backs that defines us"

Now I believe he was referring to a colt at the time, but when you read that back you will soon realise that it has a universal effect, it's not just the deal with horses, but with life.  

A wise man once said - 
Horsemanship and life it's all the same
 (no prizes for guessing who)

 I choose to remember a few things at this point.  It was a true privilege to ride with Buck in 2015.  What I learned in those 3 days permeated my way of being, not just in the saddle but in how I am day to day, and for that I am very grateful.  My learning was solidified and I will never stop chasing how my horse felt during the clinic and the months afterwards.  Now I'm still just scratching the surface of all this.  Buck gave me the tools to offer the best I can in the horses that have subsequently touched my life.  I will always strive to do better for them and be better for them.  

Additionally I may not be riding, but you can guarantee I'll still be learning and soaking up as much as I can from Buck and the participants.  The fat lady hasn't sung for me yet, hopefully I'll get to ride another day.

Finally, and most importantly I am completely and totally beyond excited for YOU!

Those of you who are spectating or riding for the first time, hang onto your hats because it's just going to be fabulous.  Now without sounding like a complete nutter I am excited that you get the opportunity to learn from Buck.  Leave your ego at the door, go in with an open heart and mind and I guarantee you a great clinic.  Try, try and try. 

 It's not just the slightest try in a horse Buck sees.

Oh and Tina, you legend, THANK YOU from I'm sure, all of us, for convincing Buck to come back and for organising what I am sure will be a wonderful experience for everyone.

So I will see you all at Aintree.  YAAAAAYYYYYYY!!

#roadtobuck is never ending my friends.

See you on the flipside xx

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

It's a long way to Tipperary (or Aintree)


Hello everyone, apologies for the hiatus with my blogs, I've been on the bench so to speak and with it came a hefty dose of writer's block... which has lasted 4 months.

So, this time 2 years ago I was a gal with a plan, a horse that I could depend on and all was ok with the world.  Roll 2 years on and things are rather different.  Lame (new-ish) pony, lame owner and with it, a case of what on earth am I thinking?   I've taken the last 4 months, and more recently the last 3 weeks to really reflect why I feel I have an almighty road block in my horsemanship, and the short answer is my grief and my horsemanship are intrinsically linked.... I won't bore you with the details, but my brother was the person who drove me to my lessons as an 11 year old.. so you can join the dots.  So how have I dealt with this over the last few months?  Well, I have basically shut down and avoided the issue, which means Ada's hock arthritis, my fluctuating health, have been convenient distractions from dealing with the issue that whenever I interact with my horse, all my feelings of loss, regret, and the ugliest of all, guilt, raise their heads and stop me dead.

Now Buck has mentioned a few times, that when you live in the past its not going to work out too well for you.  With a horse who has had a bad deal, you can not just feel sorry for it, you acknowledge what the animal has gone through of course, but you can't dole pity upon it and remain stagnant.  No, you carve out a path and say ok, this is how it is going to be, I know you have had a rough deal but I offer you this consistency when we are together and do you know what, we are going to make it.  With a horse I find this relatively easy to comprehend... to extend the same courtesy to myself?  Hell no.  Until a horse made me see the wall I have put up, and I when I was forced to face it, well that sucker hit me from the ground up.  Equine therapy is something I have long admired, but not experienced, so when a friend of mine shared details of a local 'Women's Day' to find out what this wonderful place had to offer, (a local equine therapy facility) I was compelled to go.   When we were invited to meet the horses and walk across to the field (in silence), my comedic brain hit default and tried to check out.. until I felt this horse before I saw him, and it was like hitting a brick wall with my face.  Now a feel can mean different things to different people, but I felt this horse clear across the concrete yard and field, and his head shot up as out energies clashed.  We were then invited to approach the fence line to meet the herd, and this horse told me in no uncertain terms not to move forward, but I did (as I didn't want to look foolish) and I just broke down.  Great big sobs of grief, pain, relief... like the lid of two years of loss was popped off and out poured my innards.   Now it was hard to feel and accept this pain, but cathartic and I feel.. well, better.  Not mended, but lighter.  Sometimes there are lessons we need to learn, and the horses are the only way we are going to learn them.

The Japanese mend pottery which is broken with lacquer mixed with powdered gold.  As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of the object, rather than something to disguise.  So I like to think the horses have performed their own 'Kintsugi' upon me, and I am now ready to saddle up and wear my laquered gold with pride.  So I will be at Aintree, come hell or high water, because my horse deserves for me to be the best I can be for her, and do you know what? I deserve to allow myself to enjoy the journey.  The Road to Buck is a long one, and different for us all, but we all deserve to be there and to learn how to give the very best deal for our horses.

See you on the flip side xx