Sunday, 15 May 2016
The clue is in the title. That's pretty much how I've been feeling this last month with everything.
That the amount of effort required to ultimately be no further forward than when I began is exhausting.
But as I sit here writing I realise that's not exactly true. There has been remarkable progress with Maite (including but not limited to: crazy hack with lots of bullocks, solo hacking and some fab pole work) however, my enjoyment of anything has been completely marred by the devastating loss of my beloved big brother. Sudden, unexpected and horrific. Grief, again, has permeated my being and is caustic. I have lost my Dad and brother within a year of each other (May is now not a month I like very much).
Now understandably at this time family is priority and I am going through the motions of day to day things, and I thought I was as fine as could be expected. But I actually think that the lights are on but no-one is in.. my desire to ride or function beyond a basic level has disappeared. The only benefit is that I'm more self aware (and that is down to the horses). I learned a long time ago that you have to be true to how you feel and process what's going on. So I am. I am physically very tired, and I was walking the knife edge of eating my feelings (put the donut down Kate) but I am so very grateful for having my brother in my life and I'm trying to be kind to myself.
It has also reminded me not to sweat the small stuff. We are here for such a short time, and the more I learn as we travel on this journey is that the everyday stuff is really the big stuff in life. Those moments with the people and animals that we love, the moments that make us happy, and the ones that make us sad. THAT'S what makes a life. In honour of my brother (as it's his fault I started riding!) this week I will be saddling up and enjoying the ride.
So my friends, hug the ones you love, say yes to things that you might normally reject, open your heart and mind to how truly special being here is, and go live the heck out of it.
As for Maite... well, this is something our horses already know and try to teach us everyday. Now, in this moment, is what is important. So make it a good one.
See you on the flip side x